This Post is for Benny:

Don't cry. :P

*has returned*

It is well with my soul.

Hello there.  I know I haven’t written in a while. I have little excuse to offer other than to say I have been working; my mom went out of town on holidays; and I just haven’t been feeling like putting very much effort into making myself as a person and the events of my life, interesting. I’ve chosen to write something today, but that’s not to say I’m feeling particularly interesting on this day, just that I felt it was time to open up a little more and unburden myself. Mainly for my own benefit, so you’ll forgive me if it doesn’t make for the best reading material. 

To be fair, I had written most of this posting last night, but it seems that just when I had myself convinced that I was in control of my thoughts and emotions, I turned out to be wrong.  I turned out to be very wrong. It seems that life goes that way, though. And it’s okay. J We pick up the pieces and carry on. It’s what we do because it’s what we have to do. You can rest assured I feel much more confident about writing today, and I’ll tell you why.

As I’m sure that nobody is aware, (because I haven’t discussed this specifically with anyone until now) I have been going through a couple of trials and tests that have somewhat shaken my belief system and everything that I hold dear. I won’t get into the details, for many reasons. Particularly, I don’t want to risk having to hear anyone say, “That’s small stuff” or “You’ll be fine” or “I don’t understand why that bothers you”.  It bothers me because I’m a sensitive person, to everything around me, and it’s just the way I was made. Some people operate on logic, and not so much on feelings. I’m one of those seemingly few people who base everything on emotions and take what I need from logic and leave the rest.

These ‘trials’ have managed to leave poor sensitive me bitter, angry, and what I feel the most, hurt. It took me a while to admit that to myself, especially the hurt part, because I’m not particularly fond of feeling anything that has the potential to devastate me or throw me into a spiraling bout of depression. I’m not going to let those things happen. I’m sure of that now. When I started blogging last night, it was with a heavy heart and drooping shoulders, and a confidence that couldn’t have possibly dwindled any more in the few paragraphs I’d formed before giving up. This evening, I’ve taken a different approach to dealing with things. I don’t do anything half-heartedly, but I do on occasion start to do things, big things, on my own without letting God have a part or a say in what happens, until I find myself in a major hole that I’ve managed to dig myself, and He therefore has to pull me out of. What I end up writing and doing tonight, is with only the greatest confidence, because I’ve turned to God for this one. Once again, long after I’ve buried myself in the sand, trying to fix everything.

I’ve encountered a few people at work and around town who have noticed my drooping shoulders and have tried to offer words of encouragement, which is nice. They usually have something to do with the idea that God will take care of me and pull me out of whatever situations or circumstances I find myself in, anytime I call on Him. It sounds wonderful! But I always end up feeling that a lot of what they say, are passed off in conversation, and that they aren’t really concerned with what happens, they just feel the need to be nice. Now, whether or not that’s true, is not my place to judge, and either way, I think it’s great that they do say the things they say. The encouraging things I’ve had said to me lately, have been nothing but absolute truths about how amazing and mighty our God is; and I pass them off, because I don’t believe they’re said to me in deep concern and sincerity.

However, I’m just now accepting that what they say is true. God has always taken care of me, and when I curve my anger and let go of my pride, and truly get down on my knees and ask Him for what I need, He’ll see that all my needs are met. Not just the things I ask for. When I couldn’t find a place to live when I go back to University, he provided two houses and gave me my choice of which I wanted. That’s just one small act on God’s part, but one gigantic example for how he works in my life. The moment my wall of pride crumbled, He was right there with exactly what I needed, times two.

Why do we rail against Him sometimes, and try to do things for ourselves, when He’s right there to give us all the help and care that we need? I think for me, a big part of my pride comes from the notion that I’ve asked Him for so much thus far, and sometimes only silly things, that I don’t feel I have the right to ask for anything more. That’s wrong, I know that now. And I never want to feel vulnerable to anybody or anything, because I sometimes see it as a sign of weakness, to need. But after a great deal of thought on my part, I’m really beginning to see that it takes an inner strength to ask for help, and to receive it; and to accept what you’ve been given. I unknowingly experience more vulnerability when I try to do things for myself and end up failing, than when I bend my knee to humbly ask for the help I know deep down that I need.

Matthew 16:19 says: “Whatever you bind on earth, will be bound in heaven”.

I believe that to mean that if I take my problem(s) here on earth, pray and receive the strength I need to bind them and remove their abilities to hurt me again, then God will take them to heaven, bind them there, and remove their ability to hurt me down here again. With that, I offer my pain, my anger, my pride, my confusion, my discouraged heart, my damaged spirit, my wounded soul, up to the Healer and Maker of everything that is good. I offer my past, my present, my future and all the pleasures and joys that have been, are, and will be. My desire is to bind the source of my bad thoughts, my jealousy, my insecurity, my bitterness, my emptiness, my feelings of being less than enough, and give them over to heaven, so that they may be bound there as well. So that they will lose their sting, their power and their control over me and what I do, think and feel.

I realize that my strength, clarity, patience, compassion, forgiveness, and all other coping strategies come from the Lord; and when I hurt, I want to draw on that strength to carry me through. When I get confused and discouraged and feel insecure about who and what I am, I want to receive only clarity, so that I may see the truth amidst so many lies. At the times when I feel frustrated, unable to deal with people and things, I want the patience to cope with every situation without floods of tears and thoughts of unworthiness. There will be times when I don’t understand why people do what they do, to me and to others; and when that happens, I seek the compassion not to judge them, even when my first reaction is to be judgmental. And when someone does me wrong, I want to forgive them. Not seven times, but seventy seven times. And most of all, I will remember that through everything I’m feeling, vengeance belongs to the Lord. Sometimes I feel myself wanting justice, but it doesn’t always come. In fact, it rarely comes in earthly form for those who believe in God. It seems unfair, but it’s more a case of trusting that He will care for what is His, and that means administering mercy and grace and then justice as He sees fit. I know that sometimes I lose sight of that.

When I feel at my lowest point, I cling to certain lyrics to get me through.  Tonight, they are:

I Will Lift My Eyes:

“God, my God, I cry out

Your beloved needs You now

God, be near, calm my fear

And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up

Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker

Of the mountains I can't climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer

Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer

Of the hurt I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing

Her melody over me

God, right here all I bring

Is all of me

Your kindness is what pulls me up

Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker

Of the mountains I can't climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer

Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer

Of the hurt I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever

The Lover I need to save me

'Cause you fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God

So hold me now

I will lift my eyes to the Maker

Of the mountains I can't climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer

Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer

Of the hurt I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, I cry out

Your beloved needs you now.”

“I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside.”

That is mainly the line that sticks with me and means something to me and administers healing to me. It’s not a promise in itself, that God will do anything for me at all. Even though I know that He will. But it’s a kind of recognition that He is the Healer of what hurts me. He can heal me of the rejection and low self-esteem that I feel. It’s the idea that even though I have it way inside of me, and that it affects and devastates who I am right to the core, He can reach it and touch it and take it.

“'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever

The Lover I need to save me

'Cause you fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God

So hold me now”

The fact that He’s always been there and He’ll always be there, is not news by any means. But it’s just that I always realize it over and over again when I hear it. And that, put together with the notion that even though he created the earth and everything in it belongs to Him, he still classes me as a priority. We have many ‘Lovers’ in our lives. Not always romantic lovers, but family members and friends and things like that. But He’s really the only lover we need, and the main lover that we need. If we had nobody else, His love would be sufficient to carry us through life. That, to me, is everything there ever could be that I need to hear. Whether I encounter anymore ‘Lovers’ in my journey, I have found all that I need.

It’s amazing all that I felt when I let go of everything I’d been clinging to. I was clinging to the very things that were destroying me bit by bit, and I very much want to be done with that now. I have a source of strength when I am weak. I thought I needed to let go of my bitterness before I could go to the Lord for help, and that’s partly true, but it was more that I had to be willing to let go of it, and let Him take it. A wise man said to me, just yesterday, that He doesn’t expect me to let it go first. If I just go to him with a willing spirit, He’ll take it all. I didn’t necessarily want to accept that right away. Probably because it seemed too easy to just let everything go to God. I was clinging because it seemed to serve some kind of purpose for me. I don’t yet fully understand what it may have been, but I know that whether I want to further cling to it or not, I don’t need to. I feel confident about carrying on without it.

From this point forth, I don’t believe it’ll be particularly easy, or that I’ve got some magic solution to anything. I just believe that when I need healing, I can claim the blood. And I fully intend to do so in the future. Whatever happens, whatever comes; good, bad or indifferent, it is well with my soul.

Hello,

Just some updates on a few things, and... a few other things.

I'm working now. I thought I'd hate saying that when it actually became fact; but so far I'm loving it. I was hired last Tuesday, as in, the 3rd of July, I believe. I started working as an office assistant in my community's Aboriginal Affairs office and I've been learning so much and enjoying nearly every moment of it. Aside from answering phones, which I barely mind, I've been learning and doing a lot of very interesting things that I never really fully understood before. Today, for example, I did the payroll for the workers, I did some faxing and some tinkering with the photocopier, I wrote some fancy official letters and mailed them off. I thought it was just great! Lately, I've been making friends with the schitzophrenic paper shredder, and by schitzophrenic, I mean that when I press the 'On' button, it decides to go in reverse and spit back bits of paper at me, and if I ever decide to turn it off, I have to wait something like 48 hours before it deems me worthy enough to work for again. Oh well. Last Thursday, I got my first pay cheque and I was understandably thrilled; but they passed it to me when I was in the shredding room, which prompted me to frantically search for said cheque every 15 minutes or so, to ensure that I hadn't shredded it.  Thankfully, no!

I ended up taking last Friday off because I had what I believe to be a case of extreme food poisoning. I wanted to die, and then when it got worse, I was determined to live and destroy whatever/whoever induced such misery. I've settled on the idea that it was the effects of a bad BBQ. It fits. I was also nearly hospitalized with some kind of reoccuring spasms inside me somewhere. (I added this line for dramatic effect. To communicate to you all just how bad it became.) A few muscle relaxers happily took care of that... and made me entirely loopy for ages. I quite enjoyed it.

Anyhow, I'm glad to report that I'm back to work... or, I have been. I'm off for the weekend and I'm guessing that Monday will be the true test of my abilities and all that I've learned thus far, as my supervisors will be away on business, leaving me and a co-worker to run the fort until they get back. *crosses fingers*

I'm very tired. It seems I don't have any time or energy for the things I love... reading, writing, cooking, etc. I just come home and flop on my bed and mellow out until bedtime. I'm falling into a routine though, which should help restore my creativity indefinitely.

I'm trying to help fund a new computer for Chris. He doesn't want me to, he doesn't need me to, but I want to. So, of course, that is that. The male ego never bothered me. Perhaps then he won't need to borrow his sister's laptop for important conversations with his friend Sam.

Ah yes, and I feel the need to share with you all, that there are at least three wild black bears roaming my backyard as of late. Just in case for some reason you never hear from me again due to them eating me or some strange thing. I'm not sure if many of you know how far out into the wild I live, but yeah, black bears in the backyard, that's at least a clue...though subtle it may be. We have men on call who are permitted to shoot said bears, so I'm sure the excitement will be over fairly soon, but I'm just trying to actually see one and maybe get a picture. So far, they've been crafty little devils and they only come out in the dead of night when I'm fast asleep. Though I wonder, would the flash on my camera attract them or repel them or would they perhaps be indifferent towards it? I must know!

Now, onward to the cheap thrills that are the semi-interesting ramblings of my childhood:

10 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me, or care about me, as the case perhaps is:

1. When I was little, I used to think God was the Mr. Clean man. Reason being, he was bald. *Emphatic shrug*

2. When I was also little, I played with barbies in the bathtub. I put cloths around their shoulders like capes, and made them flip over and do gymnastics in into the water. And I thought they were so beautiful, that they intimidated me to the point where, if I was in their way, I said things like, "oh, sorry" and "excuse me".

3. My first real ambition was to become a nurse. I used to carry around a little purple Beauty and the Beast bag with Belle on the front, and I carried band aids and medical tape in it. I also had this friend who would ride her bike as I took inventory of my supplies and I prayed that she would fall off so that I could bandage her up. On a few occasions I even pushed her. And then I'd say, "see now, if I wasn't here, you'd bleed to death", even if the resulting injury was merely a bruise. I'd put a bandage on it and then plaster it on with the medical tape. Fun times.

4. When I was 6 years old, I went to a friend's birthday party, and her mother was videotaping the blessed event. I wasn't best pleased with this, so naturally I had to say something about it. "Please can you turn off the video camera? I'm deeply concerned I might say something I'll regret" was not the thing to say at 6 years of age, considering I didn't want to draw attention to myself.

5. When I was just entering school, my first teacher, who was very pregnant at the time, let me touch her tummy, to help calm my first-day-of-school gitters. I politely refused and said, "thank you, but no, I don't want to catch it."

6. I had the most beautiful dolly, Joanna, who was my favorite possession for quite a few years. She was life-size and she looked like me, so I thought she was my sister. I remember taking her hand and asking her to dance on many occasions...of course, she never said no. We'd waltz around the room pleased as punch... and somewhere, there's a video tape to back me up.

7. When I first started talking, my dad had me saying all kinds of Hockey-related words and he got a big kick out of later teaching me all the names and titles of the Wrestlers he used to watch. Somehow, he didn't think it was so great when we were being introduced to our new Pastor and his wife, and I was occupying all their attention rattling off every Wrestler I knew and his title and all the soap-opera storylines that went along with them. The word 'mortified' comes to mind.

8. When I got a little older and settled in school, my mom became the Principal of my school. She was always busy, and it seemed the only way I could see her, was to hurt another kid. So, every couple of days, when I wanted to see my mom during school hours, I'd do something utterly devious and end up in her office. I'd sit in the big leather chair obviously designed for the bigger kids, and say things like, "now, it's time to get down to business" ...how very Godfather of me.

9. Later on I wanted to be a Lawyer... (still an ambition of mine) ...and I would spend time putting together "court cases", which consisted mainly of mountains of papers stapled, clipped, bound together, with a little squiggly line on each one, which represented my signature and meant that they were utterly important. I put them in folders and took them out of folders and put them back in folders again, and I was making $200 an hour doing it, in my mind.

10. Also with paper, I would often scribble up a whole stack of sheets and tape them together to make one very long "list", and be ready to whip it out of my hand bag at a moment's notice because Mother Goose never went anywhere without her grocery list in the movies my mother had bought for me.

Just some things I thought about tonight as I was remembering.

I'm coming back into my own self now after having seemingly taken a vacation from daydreaming and planning and wanting things. I'm starting to be childlike again. It's wonderful!

Anyway, that's all to report for now, I believe. More later if there's more to tell. For now I'm just going to head off to bed, as I'm beat!

Good night!

Be Blessed!

Yours Truly...

Well, hello..

 I realise it's been something like 2 weeks since I wrote anything here, and I can only blame...everybody else except for me. Heh.

 I've been doing some writing in my book, and erasing and writing again, and it's just going very slowly. *sigh*

 I applied for a couple of jobs with the town council here, and I should find out about those fairly soon, and if I get them, you'll hear plenty of complaints about the fact that I'm working I'm sure.

 I'm really going to miss waking up late and spending ages in the bathroom getting ready for the day, and then ages more deciding what to do, and then generally wasting the entire day. Also, there are so many things I want to do: I'm in the midst of actually writing, and I don't want to mess that up, because writer's block does quite a number on me; I'm trying to work out a few things so that I can sometime soon own my very own hotel/resturant business; I'm considering cooking classes and religion courses and a hospitality course to help with running the business; I'm trying to make a bunch of posters for my mother's classroom at school; and I'm trying to put together a recipe book for myself. Now that I'm facing the prospect of a job for the rest of the summer, I'm starting to realise how much time I've wasted since I got out of school.

 I'm pretty sure I'm either really down this week, or entering full-blown depression. Meh. I'm going to watch some TV and read and eventually get to bed.

 Good night all.

Me + Britain = Karate Master

Hello again. :)

I believe I'm well on my way to becoming an honourary Brit. I know, I know, most of my North American acquaintances who have spent as much time as I have with individuals of the British persuasion, can say the same. But my first thought this morning, was this: I'm still so tired, but I have to get up, and I wonder how long I have to be conscious before I'm allowed to have a kip. A KIP !!!!! How British and wonderful is that! Also, since I woke up, I've already thought of such words as 'chuffed', 'loo', 'daft', 'uber', etc etc. Since meeting some of my friends from abroad, I think I've opened myself up to a whole new and much wider vocabulary. Anyhow, I was thinking about that and I thought I'd share it. It's fairly wet outside, so I think I'll make sure and put on my 'wellies' before going out. *cracks up unceremoniously* 

Also, if you've been wondering where I'm at, or why I haven't been on MSN for ages, it's because I'm taking a bit of a break from things. If you haven't been wondering, just carry on about your daily activities. But you, an addict to MSN and all things chat-related, how can you possibly go a day, an hour, a minute without MSN, you ask. Well, I've re-discovered a old online passion of mine - Yahoo Pool. And that, has been keeping me busy. My rating, for those of you who know anything about Yahoo Pool, is something like 1350, which is high for me, and it's like gambling, in my opinion. I play to get a higher rating, all the while risking my rating being lowered if I lose.. it's really quite fascinating...not. :) But I like it.

I've been thinking to myself about how boring my existence must seem. I mean, I'm fairly happy about what I do and don't do on a daily basis, until someone random comes up to me and asks me, always while I'm not at school, "what are you doing these days?" And then I have to explain that I don't do very much outside of housework and reading and things that I generally enjoy. But I quickly add that I'm returning to university in the fall, so that they don't just assume I'm wasting my life. It always seems to satisfy their curiosity. I don't know if anyone else has noticed or realised this, but being asked what you do, while you're not doing anything, can be somewhat embarrassing. I was talking to a friend of mine today about how what you do, job-wise, shouldn't always define who you are, but sometimes, to some people, it does. At this point in my life, I take a job to make extra money.. it in no way means that that is who I am, or who I'll always be. Last summer, I took a job cleaning hotel rooms, but I wouldn't go around telling people I'm a maid, because that's not who I am. It's fine if that's who *you* are, and if you feel that's who you are, but if it's not, don't let yourself be branded. I certainly don't intend to let that happen to me! Anyway, that's a bit of a rant. All I really wanted to announce here, is that I'm considering taking up Karate. Now, all of you who feel the need to laugh, please just go right ahead and then I'll carry on with my news. Done? All out of your system? Sure? Great. I realise that you have to be fit and things to do Karate, and that's fine. But you know, if it's something I really want to do, there's no reason why I can't get fit to do it, or fit while doing it. I think it would help me get some aggression out of my system, because believe it or not, if you don't catch me on a really good day, I may very well feel like hurting someone. Not necessarily you, but someone. Maybe someday I'll get down to the nitty gritty and assess my anger and why it's there, but for now I'm just excited about Karate!!! I think it would make me seem and feel a lot more interesting as well. I'm generally happy with myself, but the thing is, sometimes people catch you off guard and ask you questions: What are you working at? What are you studying? What are your plans for the future? etc etc. and if you can't answer some of those questions, it makes you wonder, well, it makes me wonder, if the life you're living is really everything it could be. I don't know how that comes to equal me doing Karate, but there you go. I may start next month, I may start next year, I may never start. But for right now, at this moment in time, I want somebody to share with me in the thought and excitement of taking Karate lessons.

Thank you for listening. :P

xxxxx

Bex