Hello there.  I know I haven’t written in a while. I have little excuse to offer other than to say I have been working; my mom went out of town on holidays; and I just haven’t been feeling like putting very much effort into making myself as a person and the events of my life, interesting. I’ve chosen to write something today, but that’s not to say I’m feeling particularly interesting on this day, just that I felt it was time to open up a little more and unburden myself. Mainly for my own benefit, so you’ll forgive me if it doesn’t make for the best reading material. 

To be fair, I had written most of this posting last night, but it seems that just when I had myself convinced that I was in control of my thoughts and emotions, I turned out to be wrong.  I turned out to be very wrong. It seems that life goes that way, though. And it’s okay. J We pick up the pieces and carry on. It’s what we do because it’s what we have to do. You can rest assured I feel much more confident about writing today, and I’ll tell you why.

As I’m sure that nobody is aware, (because I haven’t discussed this specifically with anyone until now) I have been going through a couple of trials and tests that have somewhat shaken my belief system and everything that I hold dear. I won’t get into the details, for many reasons. Particularly, I don’t want to risk having to hear anyone say, “That’s small stuff” or “You’ll be fine” or “I don’t understand why that bothers you”.  It bothers me because I’m a sensitive person, to everything around me, and it’s just the way I was made. Some people operate on logic, and not so much on feelings. I’m one of those seemingly few people who base everything on emotions and take what I need from logic and leave the rest.

These ‘trials’ have managed to leave poor sensitive me bitter, angry, and what I feel the most, hurt. It took me a while to admit that to myself, especially the hurt part, because I’m not particularly fond of feeling anything that has the potential to devastate me or throw me into a spiraling bout of depression. I’m not going to let those things happen. I’m sure of that now. When I started blogging last night, it was with a heavy heart and drooping shoulders, and a confidence that couldn’t have possibly dwindled any more in the few paragraphs I’d formed before giving up. This evening, I’ve taken a different approach to dealing with things. I don’t do anything half-heartedly, but I do on occasion start to do things, big things, on my own without letting God have a part or a say in what happens, until I find myself in a major hole that I’ve managed to dig myself, and He therefore has to pull me out of. What I end up writing and doing tonight, is with only the greatest confidence, because I’ve turned to God for this one. Once again, long after I’ve buried myself in the sand, trying to fix everything.

I’ve encountered a few people at work and around town who have noticed my drooping shoulders and have tried to offer words of encouragement, which is nice. They usually have something to do with the idea that God will take care of me and pull me out of whatever situations or circumstances I find myself in, anytime I call on Him. It sounds wonderful! But I always end up feeling that a lot of what they say, are passed off in conversation, and that they aren’t really concerned with what happens, they just feel the need to be nice. Now, whether or not that’s true, is not my place to judge, and either way, I think it’s great that they do say the things they say. The encouraging things I’ve had said to me lately, have been nothing but absolute truths about how amazing and mighty our God is; and I pass them off, because I don’t believe they’re said to me in deep concern and sincerity.

However, I’m just now accepting that what they say is true. God has always taken care of me, and when I curve my anger and let go of my pride, and truly get down on my knees and ask Him for what I need, He’ll see that all my needs are met. Not just the things I ask for. When I couldn’t find a place to live when I go back to University, he provided two houses and gave me my choice of which I wanted. That’s just one small act on God’s part, but one gigantic example for how he works in my life. The moment my wall of pride crumbled, He was right there with exactly what I needed, times two.

Why do we rail against Him sometimes, and try to do things for ourselves, when He’s right there to give us all the help and care that we need? I think for me, a big part of my pride comes from the notion that I’ve asked Him for so much thus far, and sometimes only silly things, that I don’t feel I have the right to ask for anything more. That’s wrong, I know that now. And I never want to feel vulnerable to anybody or anything, because I sometimes see it as a sign of weakness, to need. But after a great deal of thought on my part, I’m really beginning to see that it takes an inner strength to ask for help, and to receive it; and to accept what you’ve been given. I unknowingly experience more vulnerability when I try to do things for myself and end up failing, than when I bend my knee to humbly ask for the help I know deep down that I need.

Matthew 16:19 says: “Whatever you bind on earth, will be bound in heaven”.

I believe that to mean that if I take my problem(s) here on earth, pray and receive the strength I need to bind them and remove their abilities to hurt me again, then God will take them to heaven, bind them there, and remove their ability to hurt me down here again. With that, I offer my pain, my anger, my pride, my confusion, my discouraged heart, my damaged spirit, my wounded soul, up to the Healer and Maker of everything that is good. I offer my past, my present, my future and all the pleasures and joys that have been, are, and will be. My desire is to bind the source of my bad thoughts, my jealousy, my insecurity, my bitterness, my emptiness, my feelings of being less than enough, and give them over to heaven, so that they may be bound there as well. So that they will lose their sting, their power and their control over me and what I do, think and feel.

I realize that my strength, clarity, patience, compassion, forgiveness, and all other coping strategies come from the Lord; and when I hurt, I want to draw on that strength to carry me through. When I get confused and discouraged and feel insecure about who and what I am, I want to receive only clarity, so that I may see the truth amidst so many lies. At the times when I feel frustrated, unable to deal with people and things, I want the patience to cope with every situation without floods of tears and thoughts of unworthiness. There will be times when I don’t understand why people do what they do, to me and to others; and when that happens, I seek the compassion not to judge them, even when my first reaction is to be judgmental. And when someone does me wrong, I want to forgive them. Not seven times, but seventy seven times. And most of all, I will remember that through everything I’m feeling, vengeance belongs to the Lord. Sometimes I feel myself wanting justice, but it doesn’t always come. In fact, it rarely comes in earthly form for those who believe in God. It seems unfair, but it’s more a case of trusting that He will care for what is His, and that means administering mercy and grace and then justice as He sees fit. I know that sometimes I lose sight of that.

When I feel at my lowest point, I cling to certain lyrics to get me through.  Tonight, they are:

I Will Lift My Eyes:

“God, my God, I cry out

Your beloved needs You now

God, be near, calm my fear

And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up

Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker

Of the mountains I can't climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer

Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer

Of the hurt I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing

Her melody over me

God, right here all I bring

Is all of me

Your kindness is what pulls me up

Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker

Of the mountains I can't climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer

Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer

Of the hurt I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever

The Lover I need to save me

'Cause you fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God

So hold me now

I will lift my eyes to the Maker

Of the mountains I can't climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer

Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer

Of the hurt I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, I cry out

Your beloved needs you now.”

“I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside.”

That is mainly the line that sticks with me and means something to me and administers healing to me. It’s not a promise in itself, that God will do anything for me at all. Even though I know that He will. But it’s a kind of recognition that He is the Healer of what hurts me. He can heal me of the rejection and low self-esteem that I feel. It’s the idea that even though I have it way inside of me, and that it affects and devastates who I am right to the core, He can reach it and touch it and take it.

“'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever

The Lover I need to save me

'Cause you fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God

So hold me now”

The fact that He’s always been there and He’ll always be there, is not news by any means. But it’s just that I always realize it over and over again when I hear it. And that, put together with the notion that even though he created the earth and everything in it belongs to Him, he still classes me as a priority. We have many ‘Lovers’ in our lives. Not always romantic lovers, but family members and friends and things like that. But He’s really the only lover we need, and the main lover that we need. If we had nobody else, His love would be sufficient to carry us through life. That, to me, is everything there ever could be that I need to hear. Whether I encounter anymore ‘Lovers’ in my journey, I have found all that I need.

It’s amazing all that I felt when I let go of everything I’d been clinging to. I was clinging to the very things that were destroying me bit by bit, and I very much want to be done with that now. I have a source of strength when I am weak. I thought I needed to let go of my bitterness before I could go to the Lord for help, and that’s partly true, but it was more that I had to be willing to let go of it, and let Him take it. A wise man said to me, just yesterday, that He doesn’t expect me to let it go first. If I just go to him with a willing spirit, He’ll take it all. I didn’t necessarily want to accept that right away. Probably because it seemed too easy to just let everything go to God. I was clinging because it seemed to serve some kind of purpose for me. I don’t yet fully understand what it may have been, but I know that whether I want to further cling to it or not, I don’t need to. I feel confident about carrying on without it.

From this point forth, I don’t believe it’ll be particularly easy, or that I’ve got some magic solution to anything. I just believe that when I need healing, I can claim the blood. And I fully intend to do so in the future. Whatever happens, whatever comes; good, bad or indifferent, it is well with my soul.